Small moments

You know what I hate about planned vacations, events on the calendar, the idea of “retirement?” It's the expectations and anxieties that come with it. Not gonna lie, I get visibly anxious, irritable, and stressed about the down time, and want every minute to be spent perfectly, terrified of “wasted” time. I seem to become inflexible in my thinking, and the universe inevitably sends bad weather, cancelations, illness, and often turns my dreamy expectations upside down. And I tell myself I’ll regret not doing more, not doing this or that. I feel like I can actually see time, and my once “young” children, slipping through my fingers.

I don’t have an answer to this, no wise words to calm my nerves. Except that when my kids and I are reminiscing, it is often not the grand, expensive vacations that they recall. It’s those silly times when no one is trying, when we're spending time just laughing, allowing spontaneity, and just enjoying each others company. I’m not saying you can’t create these memories, but sometimes the best ones are those that just happen, on a random evening, in the middle of a busy week, when you were least expecting, being perfectly your un-perfect self.

I guess my point is this. Vacations are great, retirement will be epic, but life exists in these small moments we often overlook. Did I have some anxiety and stress this past week? You bet I did. In fact, I felt like I almost “ruined” some of the time I took to spend with my kids, feeling the disappointment taking over when our plans didn’t go as expected. But then, with my kids snuggling up to me, laughing and looking through pictures from one of our past adventures, it fell away and I was right where I was meant to be.